Louise's Feminist Musings

Notes on feminist news & issues

Why it cant be up to men…things I never knew before becoming pregnant


When I was younger, I was 100% anti-abortion, no abortions for rape, no abortions for the health of the mother, not even for the life of the mother…I was taught that if you were to have the dreaded D&C, you would be at risk of getting cancer, you would never be able to have children…at the time, I was horrified by the thought of abortion…never never never…then I got pregnant…

My first pregnancy was flawless, no morning sickness, no problems, and nine months later, there was a perfect healthy baby…

I went into the second pregnancy thinking the same would occur…9 weeks in, I got the dreaded – “I’m sorry, the baby has no heartbeat”…I did not want the baby in me, and didn’t want to wait to have it come out naturally…having a D&C at the hospital would cost me around $5000 (I have a rather high deductible), having the same at an abortion clinic costs $500…thankfully, there is one close by – I was having an “abortion”…in my small local circle of friends, I know of two other women who had to have D&Cs done – one for a blighted ovum (baby never developed), the other because of a natural miscarriage that was never ending – BOTH of them had them done at the abortion clinic because having it done at the hospital was just too expensive…I NEVER knew that these two women had these done until I had mine…because losing babies – no matter what the reasons-  is such a whispered about but never spoken secret…

About 6 months later, I got pregnant with my daughter…the first trimester, I was apathetic, however, after having her, my sadness over the miscarriage disappeared – because she was real, the miscarried baby never really was (at least that’s what changed once she was here for me)…

Fast forward 2 years to today…from the 4th of July until today, I was pregnant again…again, I didn’t get attached – at all, I knew that a lot could go wrong, I knew that it wasn’t really a baby until much further along… and this afternoon, I heard “I’m sorry, the baby has no heartbeat” – AGAIN!  So, here I sit…this time, instead of a D&C, I’m doing Misoprostol (a pill you insert vaginally which opens up the cervix and allows the baby to come out) because I’m not as far along and the baby is smaller…its not fun, I have some Percocet to take the edge off, but, its not a good time…and so, here I am, having another “abortion”…

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